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pirate

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PostSubject: Local joke   Fri Jul 24, 2009 1:48 am

Hi All,

Thought I would send you all a joke for the weekend.




A Wee Scottish Tale.

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

A Gamekeeper shouts:
'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shite an pish!'

The man replies:
'My Good fellow, I'm from a posh marina on Loch Lomond. Could you repeat that in English for me?'

The keeper replies:

'I said, use two hands - you spill less that way!!!
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thecarboss

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PostSubject: Re: Local joke   Fri Jul 24, 2009 2:31 am

LMAO yea liked that one. lol!
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BIG ZEBEDEE

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PostSubject: Re: Local joke   Fri Jul 24, 2009 3:51 am

An Englishman was driving back down south after a holiday in Inverness when a Big red hair'd red bearded clan chieftan jumped onto the road at Drumochter pass.
"Row doon yer windae" said the chieftan
Englishman rolled down the window in fear
"Toss yersel off" said the chieftan
The Englishman tossed himself off
"Toss yersel off again" said the chieftan
Englishman tossed himself off again
"Toss yersel off again" said the chieftan
English man in total fear of his life tossed himself off again
"Toss yersel off again" said the chieftan
Englishman said "look sir, you can take my money, my car anything you want. I'll do anything. Please just don't make me toss myself off again, I have nothing left in me, I'm totally buggered"

Chieftan says "Will ye gie ma lassie a lift tae Glesga"
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pirate

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PostSubject: Re: Local joke   Fri Jul 24, 2009 5:46 am

LOL Yea I like that too cheers matey

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thecarboss

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PostSubject: Re: Local joke   Fri Jul 24, 2009 6:01 am

An American was going for a job interview in the Scottish countryside and on the way out he asked a local farmer for directions:

“Excuse me dude could you possibly tell me the quickest way to London?”

The farmer said: “You driving or walking, lad?”

The American replied: “Driving.”

The farmer nodded, saying:

“Yup, definitely the quickest way”
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Jellybean

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PostSubject: Re: Local joke   Fri Jul 24, 2009 10:22 am

An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of sherry. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims " May the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony". The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, whom replies: "No, thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here". drunken drunken
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PostSubject: Re: Local joke   Sat Jul 25, 2009 4:03 am

Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.

At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.

They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen.

When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
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